WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Well I just put wine in my tea
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
