Even the bartender felt bad for me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
