porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
