Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
