Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
