she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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