I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
