i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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