its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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