So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
