She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
