Jerry, you need to find god
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
