He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
