did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
