and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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