I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize