He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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