Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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