Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There r osticjed everywhere
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
