The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
