Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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