dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
