Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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