what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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