i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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