when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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