I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
tell your sister to shave her snatch
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Green mimosas i think yes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
