You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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