She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
