new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
