Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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