It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
