i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
