She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't just leave with hair like that
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
