what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
