My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
