If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
