my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You've changed since you got that strap on
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
