Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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