From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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