Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
