You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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