i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
