I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
