he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
