Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
