If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
