i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
