We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
