Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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