I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize