you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
