Ketchup is God's man juice
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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