Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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