it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
