I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
