just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
